My Casual Friends Helped Me Much More Than My Close Ones

Dr. Robert Wallace
Tue, 24 Mar 2026 23:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

DR. WALLACE: My grandmother from out of state will arrive in April to live with us permanently. Our house isn't overly large, but we are going to remodel one area to make an extra bedroom for her. All of my friends are quite aware of this situation, and for the last couple of weekends, I've spent a lot of time with my family and some friends helping us with the internal construction of turning some extra space in our home into a private room.

What's really odd is that I have four really close friends that I spend a lot of time with but only one of the four has helped us out with this project. The other three don't discuss it, haven't volunteered to help and don't take any interest in it at all. And into my utter surprise, another set of people that I only know casually have stepped up and come over to help our family out. Five of them in particular have been extremely helpful and have opened my eyes to the overall definition of friendship.

I've told each one of these five that I would be happy to repay them in any way I can in the future, with help on any project, study plans, or anything helpful to them in their lives. As for the three of my closest friends who have made no effort at all to help or even discuss things, I'm still friendly with them, but must admit I feel a touch differently about them than I did a month ago.
Updated: Wed Mar 25, 2026

DR. WALLACE: My grandmother from out of state will arrive in April to live with us permanently. Our house isn't overly large, but we are going to remodel one area to make an extra bedroom for her. All of my friends are quite aware of this situation, and for the last couple of weekends, I've spent a lot of time with my family and some friends helping us with the internal construction of turning some extra space in our home into a private room.

What's really odd is that I have four really close friends that I spend a lot of time with but only one of the four has helped us out with this project. The other three don't discuss it, haven't volunteered to help and don't take any interest in it at all. And into my utter surprise, another set of people that I only know casually have stepped up and come over to help our family out. Five of them in particular have been extremely helpful and have opened my eyes to the overall definition of friendship.

I've told each one of these five that I would be happy to repay them in any way I can in the future, with help on any project, study plans, or anything helpful to them in their lives. As for the three of my closest friends who have made no effort at all to help or even discuss things, I'm still friendly with them, but must admit I feel a touch differently about them than I did a month ago.

Am I wrong to feel this way? — I'm surprised by my feelings, via email

I'M SURPRISED BY MY FEELINGS: You're quickly learning that friendship is a multifaceted endeavor, not just the same routines being played out over and over.

Most people have various friends in their lives, some that are compartmentalized into some other areas, whereas other friends have a broader scope and understanding of each other's lives.

My advice is to focus less on feeling differently about your three ambivalent existing close friends and more on how impressed you are with your "previously casual" five casual friends that have stepped up to help you and your family in a major way. Seek to spend some time with each of them as your schedule permits. You may find that you enjoy dealing with others who, on the surface, may have less in common with you than you first realized, but are much more supportive in ways you truly value.

I HATE MISSING ACTIVITIES AND FEEL LEFT OUT AND DISCONNECTED

DR. WALLACE: I'm a high school student who definitely has the affliction commonly known as "the fear of missing out." I'm always checking with all of my friends to see what social activities are on the upcoming calendar and I always feel like I need to be involved in and seen at everything that goes on in my social circles.

Whenever I have to miss something due to family obligations or for any other reason, I always feel extremely anxious and worried. What can I do about this anxiety? Sometimes it feels pretty overwhelming when I try to envision what might have gone on without me there to see it for myself. — Have a Serious Case of FOMO, via email

HAVE A SERIOUS CASE OF FOMO: The human condition dictates that we as mere mortals can never be in two places at once, so we're always seeing the world through the lens of our eyes, where we are at any given moment in time.

Things are always going on in the lives of others that we don't know about, and we may hear only scant details about them sometime in the future, and there's nothing wrong with that.

To me, being overly concerned about missing out on a few events when you've already regularly attended the preponderance of group events that go on anyhow is definitely counterproductive to you. Instead of enjoying your time and what's right in front of you, you're constantly looking in the rearview mirror, wondering what you might've missed.

Going forward, be confident in yourself and who you are, and when you do chat about get-togethers or events you missed, tell others you're glad they had a good time and that you look forward to hanging out with them in the future. Saying nothing more projects an air of confidence and self-respect. Try approaching things this way in the future, versus fretting constantly about missing out on what may have been a routine event anyway. Your future self will benefit greatly from the self-confidence you'll gradually continue to generate.