My Father Keeps Things Quite Tense in Our Home

Dr. Robert Wallace
Sun, 05 Apr 2026 23:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

DR. WALLACE: My father tends to use tension as a motivator. I'm a good high school student and I behave myself pretty darn well. It's frustrating for me because I have two younger brothers who do get into a fair amount of trouble, so the tension is shared equally among all three of us.

I'm a girl who doesn't like tension, and I'm at my wits' end trying to figure out how to avoid having to deal with it.

Is there anything you can recommend that may help me out in this regard? — My Father's Tension Permeates Our Lives, via email
Updated: Mon Apr 06, 2026

DR. WALLACE: My father tends to use tension as a motivator. I'm a good high school student and I behave myself pretty darn well. It's frustrating for me because I have two younger brothers who do get into a fair amount of trouble, so the tension is shared equally among all three of us.

I'm a girl who doesn't like tension, and I'm at my wits' end trying to figure out how to avoid having to deal with it.

Is there anything you can recommend that may help me out in this regard? — My Father's Tension Permeates Our Lives, via email

MY FATHER'S TENSION PERMEATES OUR LIVES: Do your best to diffuse the tension by anticipating in advance what comments, commands or demands he regularly sends your way.

My best guess is that your brothers don't often plan and they likely live in the moment, often to their detriment. Be sure to project the exact opposite of this to your father.

By now, you likely know his methodology in specifically what he often says to you. Get out in front of that! Let him know that your goal is to be as self-sufficient and reliable as possible, in order to free up his time, since there seems to be a lot of discipline needed in your home overall.

This subtle message might greatly reduce the tension coming your way, but he may throw out a few comments here and there, simply for the benefit of your brother's hearing you being held accountable as well. Hopefully, you and your father can reach the point where you know his odd comments directed at you are just "for show." Reaching this point will help calm your nerves quite a bit as well.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING MY PLANS AND DREAMS TO MYSELF

DR. WALLACE: I'm a high school student and I've got dreams for my future. I've studied a lot of possible career paths, but I think I've finally figured one out that makes sense for me.

So far, I've kept quiet about my thoughts, especially within my family, because I don't want my parents to laugh at me or perhaps try to discourage me before I even get started. For the same reason, I've held back from telling my closest friends what my thinking is, because we live in a relatively small community and there's no doubt that word would eventually reach my parents at some point if I mentioned anything.

How can I best get my parents to understand and at least accept my dream rather than having to keep my thoughts, hopes, and plans to myself in private? I should also mention there's nothing tremendously unusual or bad about my dream, other than it's in a field that no one in my family has ever considered or tried before. — Keeping It to Myself for Now, via email

KEEPING IT TO MYSELF FOR NOW: I can both understand and appreciate your situation, but I do encourage you to mention your plans to your parents, family and friends in the near future. It will be a huge relief to your mind. And, once you can discuss this with everyone, I trust that you will get encouragement from places you hadn't imagined, as well as some constructive suggestions and ideas that may help you along the way.

Now, as for telling your parents first, instead of just briefly verbalizing your idea to them at dinner or after dinner one day, plan to make a small presentation to them. Go so far as to create an outline with some bullet points and diagram exactly what you plan to do and why you want to pursue this path for your future career.

It doesn't have to be long. One page of an outline is fine, no more than two. And don't write it out in paragraph form like it's an essay. Simply make it as an outline that you can hand them, and then as you're telling them and making your announcement, you can refer to your copy and encourage them to look at the outline as you all discuss things together. The benefits are multifaceted for you here.

Your parents will see that you have taken this quite seriously. Having the outline will also help you relax and gradually explain your thoughts as you go through the various points in the outline. Once you've informed your parents, then you can relax and tell your close friends and other relatives and hopefully start to receive support, guidance and encouragement.