This Week's Lore Needs Its Own Time Capsule

Stephanie Hayes
Fri, 03 Apr 2026 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Time capsule: Florida, United States of America, roughly one week in late March/early April. Do not open this scroll for 100 years.

Gas in shot up to $4.30 per gallon due to the United States and Israel's confusing and deeply unpopular war with Iran. Yes, future friends, many people still drive cars powered by fossil fuels. We hope you are having fun in the next century with your electric air buggies or whatnot.

Due to the gas crisis, President Donald Trump's administration decided the oil industry could drill in the Gulf of Mexico with no regard for endangered species. Fragile friends include turtles, birds, corals and the incredibly rare Rice's whale, of which only 50 may be left. What's the word for solving a problem you created by creating another problem?
Updated: Sat Apr 04, 2026

Time capsule: Florida, United States of America, roughly one week in late March/early April. Do not open this scroll for 100 years.

Gas in shot up to $4.30 per gallon due to the United States and Israel's confusing and deeply unpopular war with Iran. Yes, future friends, many people still drive cars powered by fossil fuels. We hope you are having fun in the next century with your electric air buggies or whatnot.

Due to the gas crisis, President Donald Trump's administration decided the oil industry could drill in the Gulf of Mexico with no regard for endangered species. Fragile friends include turtles, birds, corals and the incredibly rare Rice's whale, of which only 50 may be left. What's the word for solving a problem you created by creating another problem?

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a bill to rename Palm Beach International Airport after Trump. DeSantis might want to make another limp run for president, you see, so he has to toady up to Trump. The renaming could cost taxpayers millions. Taxpayers, as stated, are broke trying to commute to jobs that barely finance $8 boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Trump's son Eric posted renderings of the proposed Trump presidential library in Miami. The vision includes a freakishly enormous gold statue of Trump with all the subtlety of... no, there's no cute joke. It's deranged. The renderings also feature the $400 million luxury jet Qatar gifted to Trump. Not present in any library images were books. Those used to be collections of pages with words printed on them.

In a move any sentient being could have predicted, Trump fired Tampa woman Pam Bondi from her job as U.S. Attorney General most assuredly for failing to make him look good. Future generations, hear this: Do not sacrifice every bit of your moral fiber to please a man who would sooner pledge loyalty to a Big Mac. A Big Mac was a sandwich from a restaurant chain called McDonald's, likely lost in the Armageddon.

Lindsay Graham, a U.S. senator and lover of war and Mickey waffles, found free time during a partial government shutdown to visit Florida, revealing himself as a Disney Adult. While unpaid airport security agents have reported selling plasma to keep the lights on, Graham brunched at Chef Mickey's, rode Space Mountain and strolled through Magic Kingdom clutching a "Little Mermaid" bubble wand. In khakis, it should be noted.

Former U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz, another Floridian who was Trump's first, failed choice for Bondi's job, announced on a podcast that he knew of "hybrid breeding programs where captured aliens were breeding with humans to create some hybrid race that could engage in intergalactic communication." At facilities around the country, he said, aliens are mating with migrants and war refugees. Time capsule discoverers: Are you one of the hybrid-human-entity-whatevers? Are you green? Is that just a movie thing? Was "Men in Black" a documentary this whole time?

Speaking of space, a historic journey launched from Kennedy Space Center, instilling awe in all who watched from parks and beaches. NASA's Artemis?II mission, manned by a four-person crew, will travel farther from Earth than ever, past the far side of the moon, into realms unknown. The journey has filled the denizens of our state and nation with a wonder long buried beneath gold leafing and gas fumes. All we had to do was imagine leaving the planet altogether. But you probably already knew that.