Advice for Anxious Parents

Lenore Skenazy
Thu, 19 Mar 2026 15:33:06 -0700
Opinion

Parents today are scared. A new survey from the Institute for Family Studies found that the average parent will not let their kids roam more than 100 yards from home until they are 8 or 9 years old.

Of course it's natural to want to protect kids from danger. The problem is that our culture has trained parents to see danger everywhere they look. How can they overcome fear-based parenting and give kids back some independence and free play?

I talked with UC Irvine professor Barbara Sarnecka and got some simple tips. Sarnecka was part of a team that did an amazing study a few years ago. The researchers wondered why people are often so worried when they see children on their own. As they pointed out in the paper's abstract, "In recent decades, Americans have adopted a parenting norm in which every child is expected to be under constant direct adult supervision. Parents who violate this norm by allowing their children to be alone, even for short periods of time, often face harsh criticism and even legal action. This is true despite the fact that children are much more likely to be hurt, for example, in car accidents. Why then do bystanders call 911 when they see children playing in parks, but not when they see children riding in cars?"
Updated: Thu Mar 19, 2026

Parents today are scared. A new survey from the Institute for Family Studies found that the average parent will not let their kids roam more than 100 yards from home until they are 8 or 9 years old.

Of course it's natural to want to protect kids from danger. The problem is that our culture has trained parents to see danger everywhere they look. How can they overcome fear-based parenting and give kids back some independence and free play?

I talked with UC Irvine professor Barbara Sarnecka and got some simple tips. Sarnecka was part of a team that did an amazing study a few years ago. The researchers wondered why people are often so worried when they see children on their own. As they pointed out in the paper's abstract, "In recent decades, Americans have adopted a parenting norm in which every child is expected to be under constant direct adult supervision. Parents who violate this norm by allowing their children to be alone, even for short periods of time, often face harsh criticism and even legal action. This is true despite the fact that children are much more likely to be hurt, for example, in car accidents. Why then do bystanders call 911 when they see children playing in parks, but not when they see children riding in cars?"

The researchers concluded that it came down to a matter of MORALS!

In brief: People today feel there is something morally wrong about leaving kids on their own. So anyone leaving their child alone is committing a moral sin. That tinge of immorality is what makes the danger look larger than it is. It's like a magnifying glass for parental disapproval.

Parents THEMSELVES have to overcome an internal voice constantly saying, "Don't leave your kids alone! That makes you a terrible parent!"

How?

1. Consider other tiny risks we ignore every day.

Suppose your child asks if they can walk to the playground two blocks away with a friend. Your first fear-based parenting thought might be, "But they could get kidnapped by a stranger!" Sarnecka points out this is statistically a really low risk. So try to compare it to other low-risk situations and how you decide about them.

"The last time you drove somewhere and parked your car," Sarnecka writes, "did you choose your parking space based on the possibility that there could be snipers on the roofs of the buildings around you? Did you say, 'Well if I park here, snipers on that building could get me. But if I park over there, the awning will shield me.'

"Probably not, right? Now, could you really be 100% sure that there weren't snipers on the buildings? No. But it's SO unlikely that you just don't worry about it. You would be nuts to plan your parking around it."

Same with a stranger kidnapping.

2. Measure those risks against the benefits of developing independence.

Sarnecka points out that it's hard to measure the benefits of independence but easy to describe possible dangers. If a kid breaks their arm climbing a tree, it's tempting to assume that means climbing trees is just too dangerous. But what about the physical and mental benefits?

She recommends listening to child psychologists, like Norwegian researcher Ellen Sandester, who has found that kids need "risky play," like climbing to heights or handling real tools, to learn risk assessment and boldness. Her work shows that if you let fear-based parenting rule, your kids will miss important developmental opportunities.

3. Think about things you were able to do on your own as a kid.

This last idea is so simple and powerful. Think back to your own childhood. What did you do on your own? Ride bikes? Play games? Explore? All these things carried a little risk of danger. But they also gave you connection, joy, memories. Those are worth plenty. If you want to give your child a gift, consider the gift of independence!