Living in the Walls

Katiedid Langrock
Fri, 11 Dec 2020 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

The first time we went to our house after purchasing it, we found a snake in the basement. "This will happen," an animal control officer said as she removed the 6-foot rat snake. "You live on water next to the woods."

"So they come in for shelter?" I asked.

"They come in for food," she said.
Updated: Sat Dec 12, 2020

The first time we went to our house after purchasing it, we found a snake in the basement. "This will happen," an animal control officer said as she removed the 6-foot rat snake. "You live on water next to the woods."

"So they come in for shelter?" I asked.

"They come in for food," she said.

"What food?" I asked.

"Mice, moles, voles, bugs."

"We have mice, moles, voles and bugs?!"

"Of course," she said. "You live on water next to the woods."

We've lived in our house for four years now. As the seasons change, we get our busy time with spiders and palmetto bugs, with the occasional mouse and the even rarer snake. We told this to the woman who has been living in our home while we've traveled around the country in our RV, along with the name of our very lovely pest control man, who always gets any problem fixed in a jiffy.

I don't think she believed us. Or maybe she wasn't mentally prepared for nature.

"There's something living in the walls," she said one time. "I don't know what it is, but it's big and it's everywhere. I think it lives in the chimney."

I asked her whether she had called our pest man.

"I want him to move in," she said. "My anxiety is through the roof. I look down at the floor whenever I walk, just in case there's a spider."

"Is there a spider?" I asked.

"Sometimes."

Maybe moving out of the city and into the country wasn't the right move for her. Or maybe it's not her at all.

Over the past week, my friends have told me about a fox living under one house, an armadillo living in one of their basements, a bird (which they originally thought was a bat) flying in and wreaking havoc all over the living room as they spent days trying to remove it, and a raccoon that's been coming in through the cat door to eat from the cat's food bowl in my friend's bedroom. She woke up to two raccoons at the foot of her bed.

"I'm getting a trail camera," she said. "I want to see what other animals are sneaking into my bedroom while I sleep."

"Why don't you just lock the cat door at night?" I asked.

"And miss out on this opportunity for great discovery? What if the supposedly extinct Tasmanian tiger walks in looking for delicious cat food?"

"We're not in Australia," I said.

She argued that I was missing the point. And perhaps I was. But for all the animals that have visited my home, they've never entered with an open invitation.

"What do you think you will come home to?" my friend asked me.

"A perfectly clean and overly sprayed house," I said.

"You don't believe your house sitter at all?" my friend asked. "Even after all our stories?"

Hmm.

"Don't forget," she said. "You're the one who found a snake upstairs in the kids' playroom — and then left it there."

Oh, yeah.

Maybe there is some reason for concern about the giant creature living in the walls near the fireplace. I asked the kids what they think we will find when we come home for Christmas.

"An alligator!" my son said.

Oh, jeez.

"A bison!" my daughter said.

I tried to think of which one would be worse. Then I pushed the thought out of my mind.

"We don't have either of those animals living near us."

"Yeah-huh. They found an alligator walking across the street only a mile from us," my son reminded me.

"Yes, but they believe it was someone's released pet," I said.

"A released pet that found a new home," he smiled. "Our home."

"OK, OK, let's assume we don't have large crocodilians looking to shack up in our house."

"Why not? We live on water next to the woods."

Why does everyone keep reminding me of that?

At least I can be sure there isn't a bison living in our house — and certainly not in the walls.

"It's a bison," my daughter repeated. "It's probably hanging upside down from my bunk bed."

"Upside down?" I asked. "Oh! You mean a possum."

Well, that's entirely possible.

I asked my husband what we should do if we get home and hear a large creature stuck in the walls near our fireplace.

"Hope it's not Santa," he said.

Here's hoping.