Jesus of Nazareth visits the Pentagon

Georgia Garvey
Fri, 10 Apr 2026 23:00:00 -0700
Opinion

PENTAGON FRONT DESK: Hello. Can I help you?

JESUS OF NAZARETH: Hello, my child. I am Jesus of Nazareth, here for my 10:30 appointment with Elbridge Colby, the undersecretary of defense.

FRONT DESK: OK, sure. Hold on a second. He's just finishing up with someone right now.
Updated: Sat Apr 11, 2026

PENTAGON FRONT DESK: Hello. Can I help you?

JESUS OF NAZARETH: Hello, my child. I am Jesus of Nazareth, here for my 10:30 appointment with Elbridge Colby, the undersecretary of defense.

FRONT DESK: OK, sure. Hold on a second. He's just finishing up with someone right now.

(Out walks Mother Teresa. The door slams behind her.)

COLBY, FROM INSIDE THE OFFICE: And stay out!

FRONT DESK: Sounds like he's ready. Go on in.

(Jesus enters.)

JESUS: Greetings, my child. Peace be upon you.

COLBY: Peace? That's exactly what we need to talk about.

JESUS: You want to discuss peace? Oh, my son, that gratifies me deeply. As you may remember, I once said, 'Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.'

COLBY: Listen, our administration has taken some flak lately for our complicated relationship with spirituality. It's a dirty, dirty lie that we dragged the Vatican's ambassador to the U.S. into my office and threatened to depose the pope if he didn't support the war in Iran, but we have been a bit demonstrative about our beliefs that might makes right. And perhaps it was somewhat tone-deaf for the secretary of defense to petition his Lord Savior in prayer during a Pentagon Christian service, asking for 'overwhelming violence of action against those who deserve no mercy,' considering that you once said that you 'desire mercy, not sacrifice' from your followers.

JESUS: It's written down and everything.

COLBY: And I further admit that it might have been slightly uncouth for the U.S. president, amid a global conflict, to start his Easter morning with threats, F-bombs and mockery of a religion comprising 2 billion devotees worldwide.

JESUS: You said it, not me.

COLBY: But listen, Mr. Nazareth, you need to understand a few things. First, I'm a realist. That means I view all foreign policy through an America-first lens. There's no value to morality, treaties we signed, laws or international cooperation unless it serves our country's selfish interests.

JESUS: We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one.

COLBY: So, when it comes to foreign policy, with all respect to the Bible, which is the president's second-favorite book after 'The Art of the Deal,' which he has also not read, peace is not a priority.

JESUS: I understand, my child. You in the administration are all struggling with the temptation to do evil right now, just as I struggled with my father's commandment to sacrifice my own life so that humanity might be saved from eternal damnation. We all have our trials!

COLBY: Right. I guess what I'm trying to say is, think about it from our angle. The president wants to win an international peace prize, and he's willing to destroy the entire world to get it. The Secretary of Defense has internalized self-hatred; he's been working out via global conflict. And I appear to be of the belief that nothing we do in life is inherently good or bad, only good or bad for our country.

JESUS: May I serve as your advisor for a moment?

COLBY: I went to Harvard, man, but what the heck.

JESUS: Son, what if there were a way to accomplish everyone's goals, only with significantly fewer dead people?

COLBY: But that's half the charm.

JESUS: Humor me for a second. You say your president wants a Nobel Peace Prize.

COLBY: He really does. The bloom has worn off the rose on that soccer one.

JESUS: Well, what if he tried to perpetuate peace? Instead of demanding a prize, he could earn one! He could give food to the hungry, comfort the imprisoned, care for the sick and be hospitable to the stranger.

COLBY: Ugh. I guess I can try pitching it. And my boss, the defense secretary?

JESUS: He has a fairly prominent tattoo on his chest reading, 'God wills it.' Will he take my word for it that I very much will peace? I know the Bible is a long book, but trust me, it's in there. A few times!

COLBY: What about me?

JESUS: You're a smart man. I won't insult your intelligence by pretending I can instill a love of morality in you. But what about this: Maybe morality is always best for the country. Maybe following international law helps the United States more than it hurts it, even if it restricts your actions on occasion. Maybe you want other nations to follow the treaties and agreements they sign. Maybe one day, when your country isn't the most powerful in the world, you won't want to be privy to the whims of leaders who feel free to violate norms and regulations simply because they can. Maybe all of humanity is more interconnected than it is divided, and flourishing in some at the expense of suffering in others does not enrich anyone but diminishes all. Maybe, whether you believe in me or my father or any god at all, your life will be weighed on a scale that measures the love you gave against the misery you inflicted. Believe me, my child, you do not want to come up short in that accounting.

COLBY: Food for thought. OK, thanks, I guess. That'll be all.

JESUS: Peace be with you.

COLBY: I hope not. And hey, on your way out, do me a favor and send in Mister Rogers. I'm about to give that old coot a piece of my mind.