When It's Never Enough

Margo Howard
Thu, 12 Dec 2013 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear Margo: Every few months, my mother finds herself in some kind of "crisis." Because she is unmarried, she looks to her children for support. We all love our mother and want to help her as much as we can, but we have our own families now, and Mom can be quite demanding.

She expects us to drop everything to come to her aid. If we are unable to put our obligations aside and run, we are branded "ungrateful, selfish and unloving." If we are lucky, we only get a few weeks of the silent treatment.

More often, it's a long guilt trip down memory lane. Mom, our tearful tour guide, points out how she suffered trying to raise us on her own and cites examples of her sacrifice. We all respect her and appreciate how hard she worked for us. We thank her frequently, but it's obvious that she feels we owe her big-time.
Updated: Fri Dec 13, 2013

Dear Margo: Every few months, my mother finds herself in some kind of "crisis." Because she is unmarried, she looks to her children for support. We all love our mother and want to help her as much as we can, but we have our own families now, and Mom can be quite demanding.

She expects us to drop everything to come to her aid. If we are unable to put our obligations aside and run, we are branded "ungrateful, selfish and unloving." If we are lucky, we only get a few weeks of the silent treatment.

More often, it's a long guilt trip down memory lane. Mom, our tearful tour guide, points out how she suffered trying to raise us on her own and cites examples of her sacrifice. We all respect her and appreciate how hard she worked for us. We thank her frequently, but it's obvious that she feels we owe her big-time.

Are children in debt for eternity to their parents? Do parents have the right to put their children's marriages, etc., at risk in order to collect this debt? — Biologically Bankrupt

Dear Bio: I have always thought that if you need to remind someone that they're in your debt, the payment ain't worth much. It sounds to me as though you and your sibs have been appropriately thankful and helpful to your mother, so it's time for the guilt trips to end ... or at least your responding to them.

Interesting that the old girl is frequently in crisis mode and weighs your devotion to her by how fast, or whether, you react. I would pitch in when you are able, but certainly not at the expense of your family or your marriage.

There comes a time — with any debt — where it is marked "Paid." It sounds to me as though you and your sibs have thanked your mother ... with interest. — Margo, irreproachably

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

Dear Margo: I need your help! I have a friend I've known for about 10 years. We email almost every day and get together about once a month. The problem is, my friend is an A-type personality narcissist, and I am growing tired of her.

Everything that is said or done has become a contest as to who is smarter or better (I am corrected on my email spelling); she beats issues into the ground to make sure she has the last word. She is late to our get-togethers except when she comes to my house, and then she ignores my length-of-stay requests (comes early, leaves late).

She's started to be rude and condescending, complains about everything in her life and gossips to no end. She just takes too much energy, and I no longer enjoy her company and wish no further contact with her. My problem: If I tell her all this, she will deny everything and attack me.

I simply want to go away quietly, never to have our paths cross again. If I am vague, she will hunt me down to find out why. I don't want to be rude or mean; I just want to end the friendship. — Had Enough

Dear Had: My dear, in this situation, you do not offer reasons. Just go with the old dictum: Never explain, never complain. It is hard to imagine she was like this from the beginning, else why would you have liked her? Let us just chalk it up to aging badly.

Stop with the emails and making dates. If she asks why, tell her you have just become very busy. If she hounds you for a reason, simply say her behavior has started to annoy you. Odds are that she will never speak to you again. — Margo, conclusively