When the BF Is a Switch-Hitter

Margo Howard
Thu, 19 Dec 2013 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear Margo: I've been living with a guy for nine months, and it's fair to say I am the nosy type. Past relationships have made me not trust anyone.

My guy and I are very serious and discussing marriage. But every time he's gone, I snoop, and if you look, you shall find. Seven months into the relationship, I am looking at his online chat logs. I am reading a conversation between him and a female when he tells this person to start talking to him on his other IM account, one I never knew he had.

Well, he has another account where it says he is a cross-dresser and bisexual. I am very confused at this point because this is the man I want to marry. I look through his logs and e-mails and find that he's been talking to other men and women about meeting with them to have sex. He also has an online friend (female) who knows all about his "other life."
Updated: Fri Dec 20, 2013

Dear Margo: I've been living with a guy for nine months, and it's fair to say I am the nosy type. Past relationships have made me not trust anyone.

My guy and I are very serious and discussing marriage. But every time he's gone, I snoop, and if you look, you shall find. Seven months into the relationship, I am looking at his online chat logs. I am reading a conversation between him and a female when he tells this person to start talking to him on his other IM account, one I never knew he had.

Well, he has another account where it says he is a cross-dresser and bisexual. I am very confused at this point because this is the man I want to marry. I look through his logs and e-mails and find that he's been talking to other men and women about meeting with them to have sex. He also has an online friend (female) who knows all about his "other life."

So I contact this woman, and she sends me all the conversations they'd had. He talks about how he loves me, hasn't cheated on me yet, but wants to have sex with men. I begin to freak out thinking the man I love is gay. So I confront him, and he tells me that he has been in four sexual relationships with males, just out of curiosity. This all happened before he met me, so then he decided he wasn't gay.

He has started counseling, doesn't use the computer anymore, and is doing everything he can to prove that he loves me and wants to be with me. So I guess my question is, what do I do? I love him, but I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. Every time we start to become intimate, I need to stop, because all I can think about is him with another man. — Confused and in Love

Dear Con: It is admirable that this chap has gone into counseling and forsworn the computer (something I would be incapable of), but the fact remains that there's a bisexual underpinning to his sexuality.

The deal breaker, as far as I am concerned, is that you are totally turned off. Those images are unlikely to go away. — Margo, unhappily

LUNCH BREAK INTERRUPTUS

Dear Margo: I work in a stressful, fast-paced call center, and I enjoy reading on breaks and at lunchtime. That gives me roughly an hour to read each day.

With the constant din of call takers and managers, I value my reading time so that I may have a respite and some peace. It's a release for me to immerse myself in a good book, even for a few minutes. My co-workers, however, can't seem to respect my need for alone time, as they blatantly interrupt me or even sit down at my table and start a conversation.

I do have friends at work and consider myself social, but I'd rather spend my break constructively as opposed to discussing office gossip. How do I politely deflect my co-workers and not seem anti-social? — Bookish and Annoyed

Dear Book: Like you, I try to read when it's possible, even when I'm not at home. People don't usually intrude, however, because I am either standing in a line or in an office waiting room.

In your case, where you know these people, it's a little sticky. Amazing, isn't it, that people see someone reading a book and then sit down and start talking? This just tells you that some people are so dense that light bends around them.

What you should say, in a friendly way, the next time this happens, is something like, "I hope you'll excuse me. I'm using my break to relax, and I do it by reading." — Margo, restoratively