A Sad Day for Overeating

W. Bruce Cameron
Fri, 17 Apr 2015 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Of all the major-league sports that I follow, probably the one that asks the most of its elite athletes is competitive eating. That is why I was stunned and saddened to hear that one of the top face-stuffers in the world, Takeru Kobayashi, was arrested at this year's international hot-dog-eating contest on Coney Island.
Updated: Sat Apr 18, 2015

Of all the major-league sports that I follow, probably the one that asks the most of its elite athletes is competitive eating. That is why I was stunned and saddened to hear that one of the top face-stuffers in the world, Takeru Kobayashi, was arrested at this year's international hot-dog-eating contest on Coney Island.

Takeru reportedly "went berserk" during the contest, reminding all of us of the time that Mike Tyson became so worked up in a boxing match he bit both of Evander Holyfield's ears — except, of course, in this case it's hot dogs, not ears. Plus Evander wasn't wearing buns.

Naturally, most of you are well acquainted with the food-overeating celebrities and their fascinating stories, but for those of you who do not regularly search the Internet for up-to-date gossip on these magnificent sports stars, let me take a moment here to fill you in (or maybe, given the subject, the proper expression would be "fill you up").

When the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) was formed in 1997, the record for forcing hot dogs into one's stomach stood at 25 in 12 minutes. This wasn't exciting enough to attract many fans, though my Labrador always watched attentively. Then, in 2001, Takeru Kobayashi managed to cram down 50 hot dogs in the same length of time, thrilling and inspiring people all over the world.

There was joy in the streets, people dancing, hugging and bingeing. Major-league eating had arrived, and nothing would ever be the same for humanity.

Sure, there are competitors. Major League Smoking, as an example, seems to be catching on, and NASCAR is rumored to be contemplating a national drunk-driving competition. There were high hopes for the National Pot-Toking Contest, but nobody was motivated to show up. Still, nothing has quite captured the world's imagination quite as much as Major-league eating.

On its Website, the IFOCE claims that major-league eating generates more than a billion consumer "impressions" a year, and I'm one of them — it's my "impression" that these people are all idiots.

Back to Takeru, who now makes a living based on his ability to chew and swallow (he still holds the world record for eating cow brains — 17.7 pounds in 15 minutes, though there are some to scoff at the accomplishment, saying they were "really stupid cows"): This year, the world was enthralled at the prospect of a rematch between Takeru and the current world champion hot dog overeater, Joey Chestnut, whose record is an astounding 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. But in the final hour, Takeru backed out of the competition, claiming a contract dispute with the league.

Why, I would ask the IFOCE, can't you pay this top athlete what he is worth? Think of all the disappointed children who were counting on Takeru to inspire them to binge on junk food!

The millions of fans who tune into this contest every year because they have absolutely nothing better to do were disappointed, and Chestnut burped his way to an easy win, eating a leisurely 54 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. He's quoted as saying that Takeru would have been in the contest "if he was a real man," something I think we can all heartily agree with.

The arrest of the overeating superstar occurred moments after Chestnut managed his final swallow — Takeru stormed the stage and had to be subdued by the police officers who were there to see if there would be any free hot dogs.

Takeru was taken to jail, where he was booked on charges of "jumping on a stage occupied by a bunch of people who were really full of hot dogs," which in New York is a misdemeanor. (In the Midwest, it's not a crime, it's a concert.)

Takeru's explanation for his behavior makes complete sense. "I'm really hungry. I wanted to eat hot dogs," he is quoted as saying.

Had I been one of the reporters, I might have said, "OK, sure, but how do you explain the cow brains?"

After spending the night behind bars, Takeru was released because the jail couldn't afford to feed him.

That's my theory, anyway.