Some People Are More Than Just Difficult: How To Recognize a Personality Disorder

Lindsey Novak
Wed, 25 Jan 2023 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Q: I develop websites for small businesses. Most of my jobs run from a couple of weeks to several months, depending on the complexity of the site. I just had a client who was the most difficult person I have ever worked with, and the experience has left me reeling and wondering how I should have dealt with such a person. They presented the assignment clearly, so I thought it would be an easy job. I am always polite to clients, but what developed was a nightmare I did not know how to get out of.

I started by explaining the process I use, because I don't know what level of technology and design they understand. As I presented ideas, they became picky and critical but unable to communicate what they disliked. The client turned each step in the process into third-degree questioning and telling me how I should proceed. I had to repeat how the process works, to no avail. They became more argumentative and authoritative and refused to listen.

I was in a no-win situation, and nothing I explained mattered. They called several times a day demanding attention and accomplished nothing but wasting my time. I became defensive and rude, which is not who I am nor want to be. I wanted to stop working on the job but felt I could not, so I stopped taking their calls and finished the job. I didn't even care at that point if I got paid. Please tell me how to avoid or handle such a person so this doesn't happen again.
Updated: Thu Jan 26, 2023

Q: I develop websites for small businesses. Most of my jobs run from a couple of weeks to several months, depending on the complexity of the site. I just had a client who was the most difficult person I have ever worked with, and the experience has left me reeling and wondering how I should have dealt with such a person. They presented the assignment clearly, so I thought it would be an easy job. I am always polite to clients, but what developed was a nightmare I did not know how to get out of.

I started by explaining the process I use, because I don't know what level of technology and design they understand. As I presented ideas, they became picky and critical but unable to communicate what they disliked. The client turned each step in the process into third-degree questioning and telling me how I should proceed. I had to repeat how the process works, to no avail. They became more argumentative and authoritative and refused to listen.

I was in a no-win situation, and nothing I explained mattered. They called several times a day demanding attention and accomplished nothing but wasting my time. I became defensive and rude, which is not who I am nor want to be. I wanted to stop working on the job but felt I could not, so I stopped taking their calls and finished the job. I didn't even care at that point if I got paid. Please tell me how to avoid or handle such a person so this doesn't happen again.

A: Although you sound frustrated and justifiably upset, it's helpful to learn how to handle similar situations, if they should occur. According to Karen R. Koenig, a licensed clinical social worker with a master's in education, a psychotherapist and an author: "Not everyone, no matter how intelligent or talented they are, has effective, appropriate interpersonal skills. Some people are perfectionistic, impulsive, prickly, manipulative, critical, insecure, and need tight control in relationships, while others are more easy going.

"It sounds as if your client gave you mixed messages: Do more, but don't do this; be there for them, but don't do what you were doing. Though they held you in high esteem by hiring you, they ended up rejecting your work. No wonder you didn't know how to respond," says Koenig. "Assuming they had the intellectual ability to understand your explanations and advice, it seems their struggling with you had less to do with the project's content than with their personality problems preventing a healthy working relationship."

While it is difficult to make a definitive assessment without meeting them, Koenig says there are indicators that your client might have a personality disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines this as someone 1) with an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that markedly deviates from the expectations of the individual's culture; 2) who is pervasive and inflexible; 3) who had an onset in adolescence or early adulthood; 4) who is stable over time; and 5) whose behavior leads to distress or impairment. Personality is formed mostly by our upbringing and childhood events, but it is also influenced by genetics.

There is no foolproof way to avoid working with people who have personality disorders, but paying attention to how you feel in your initial meeting might tip you off that someone will be difficult to work with. This is characterized particularly if their behavior or attitude makes you feel as if you are always doing something wrong. If you feel pushed, dominated, unduly criticized, invalidated or manipulated, you are likely dealing with someone who has a personality disorder.

Koenig remembers that in graduate school, one of her professors explained it like this: People with neurotic disorders always think they did something wrong, not the other person. People with personality disorders always think the problem is someone else, not them. It's a handy rule of thumb.

You should try to get along with the client, but do a reality check with your colleagues, and keep notes on the client's response patterns. Be kind while asserting boundaries. Share with the client that they seem dissatisfied with your work by giving them examples. If the situation feels untenable, end it as smoothly as you can while feeling compassion for someone who is ill-equipped to function well in relationships.